The Sue that Binds Us
by GryphonWonder14
Summary: On her neck hung the Philosopher's stone! Minerva had quite literally turned into Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the Vampiric Alchemist.
1. A Perfect New Beginning

You know what? I'm sick of it. Every week or so, I get the urge to read some good fanfiction. Though I'm a very lazy writer myself, I still have time to go off and attempt to find a good, well-written story that centers on what a fanfiction should a tale about the characters from the manga/anime/book/movie/ext. But alas, almost every time I look for those stories, the only thing I come upon is this 'Mary-sue, Mary-sue, Gary-sue, Shounen-ai/shojo-ai that can't possibly exist in Hellsing, badly written stories that spell Seras 'Ceras' or even 'Serace' (at least read _some_ of the manga, it's not that hard), and stories completely irrelevant to the Hellsing plot or setting. Oh, did I mention out-of-character ness? Integra won't willingly listen to Britney Spears, guys.

So thus, a new parody is born (It's spelled wrong in some parts on purpose. Don't flip out…)

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"_Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the vampiric alchemist soar above the pink militay office she personally designed with fluff cute-pinky clouds for her favorite two alchemists, Sir Edward and Lord Roy! One the girl's neck hung the Philosopher's Stone. All of the occupants of the pretty room stared at her as she pass above hise heads like a thousand raggedy hounds stare at a thousands honey glazed hams at Thanks-giving time..!.; Even the girl officers followed her with she's eyes lustfully-"_

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………………………………………………………………………….."

Minerva sighed with the intensity of unadulterated, hardcore, x-rated emotion of a billion million-thousands of emo French kids. The fuzzy computer screen flickered with the grandiose, "to be completed" incredible story of the century that would soon grace the greatest site on earth, (according to her).

She slid her enormously sized tongue across the back of her protruding buck teeth as she 'reviewed' the beginning of her masterpiece. The grammar was so bad; Hemingway could be heard screaming from beyond the grave. That was odd, of course, considering she had nothing going for her except her surprising amount of accelerated classes. The mole on top of the seventh eyelash of her grey and dusky left eye twitched with excitement as she pondered and quivered the composition of the next brutally shoved in a bag then repeatedly beat with a ruler, baseball bat, and manatee all at once then tied to a bowling ball and dropped off a cliff sentence.

Minerva A. Moustache stopped her witch-like giggling to propel another gigantic gelatinous something that some scientists have technically but unwillingly proven to be, in fact, a hand, into the super size bowl of fat incrusted french-fries. She was no longer allowed to keep anything resembling a mirror near her gravitational field for self explanatory reason. (For people who are dense, she's UGLY!1! Ooooooo buuuuurn!)

All of a sudden, the poor mutilated chair cracked with the sound of a million 50's television sets. The hippo tumbled uncontrollably, and the last thing she remembered before the she was lost to unconsciousness was how good the fries tasted when deep fried three times over.

LA, thousands of miles away, was devastated when a record-breaking 9.6 aftershock tore through the city center struck at the exact moment of Minerva's collapse, killing more people than all the world wars put together.

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Somewhere in the middle of London…

Minerva awoke from her fatty slumber only to discover she wasn't in Kansas anymore. The usual barren, desert-like landscape was replaced by towering evergreen trees and soft, moist moss. Ferns and berry-filled bushes littered the forest and several large mushrooms poked up from behind a decaying log lying by the girl's head. The sky above the foliage was darker than she's ever seen, depicting the rural area's lack of McDonald pollution.

Speaking of fat, Miss. Mustache lay unmoving among the sweet-smelling pinecones and grasses, questioning the cruel world's ways and the reason it decided to abandon her in such tasteless, commercial-free desolateness. There wasn't even a mall around anywhere in sight! After a few uncontrollable sobs and whines from the monster, she, it, them, decided to walk a few steps to see if there was a Starbucks behind the nearest tree. Usually, standing up from a laying down position would be very difficult for her, (Minerva's parents usually ordered a crane to position her upright every morning) but this time the feat felt effortless and, well, _easy_.

The girl instantly knew something was wrong. Extremely, terribly, horribly wrong. She glanced downward at her body and said hello to her toes, the appendages she hasn't seen in ten long, calorie-filled years. She saw her toes! The mere mention of that fact sent her mind reeling. _What's happened to me?_

What has happened to Minerva? That was the question. Instead of the hippo, a young girl stood in the middle of the woods, looking at her toes in awe. Her legs were skinny and long as well as filled with well worked muscles. For a second she thought she could run a marathon. Or two. Or three. All in consecutive order. The well toned and immaculately tanned skin itself revealed the fanatic wasn't herself. Her large chest proved it She transformed into the thing she hated for years, yet always wanted to become. She was tall, skinny, athletic, and blonde. Actually, her long, wavy, flowing hair was intertwined with purple, green, and pink highlights. Even the tips were naturally pinkish green. Minerva thought it looked _hawt!_

The next strange thing was she was wearing a short, very, very, very, short, pink, frilly mini-skirt and the most stylish white tank top and mini jacket known to man. Her wrists were covered with expensive golden bracelets that would do something cool and useful when you pressed certain buttons on them. She fingered the pendant on the jeweled necklace she was wearing. It was dark red and glowing. _On the girl's neck hung the Philosopher's Stone! _She recited from her earlier fanfiction. If her theory was correct, she should have large, deep, and emotional, mood color-changing eyes as well. Minerva had quite literally turned into Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the Vampiric Alchemist.

It was then she heard an ear-piercing shriek coming from her left. Minerva, or rather, Nemandaria, attempted something she's never done before. She did a back flip, landed on one hand on the log, and propelled herself backwards again to land gracefully behind the fallen tree. She crouched and giggled at the same time, while still keeping a close watch at the scene unfolding in front of her eyes.

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Another scream pierced the stillness of the woods as a young woman in her thirties scrambled through the underbrush, apparently chased by someone. Or something. She stopped before the log in the middle of the small clearing to catch her breath, completely unaware of the alchemist stealthily hiding a few feet away. Stopping was a mistake, and a rather grave one. A cloaked figured leaped from behind a pine next to her and grabbed her wrists. The hood of the black cloak fell and revealed an ugly bald scalp and glowing red eyes. Sharp, white fangs glistened in the moonlight and the creature, vampire, began to speak.

"You can't run forever, my precious." He growled and leaned forward and the woman screamed yet again. "You will soon become my slave, just like your family."

After seeing Hellsing© six hundred sixty-six times, yet never reading the manga because she's a loser that way, Minerva knew what was going on. _He's going to turn her into a ghoul! And that was not going to happen on the Vampiric Alchemist's watch! _

Nemandaria pounced cat-like from behind the log just as the vampire was about to sink his fangs into the innocent's neck. She unsheathed her broadsword that conveniently hung weightless on her hip and ran the bastard through shoving him against a tree and thus impaling him. The poor woman from before fell to the ground before picking herself up again and running scared into the forest never to be seen by Minerva again. As the cloaked demon disintegrated into dust, Alucard stepped forward from the undergrowth and clapped slowly.

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Minerva almost doubled over in shock. _The Vampire Alucard! Right in front of my pretty freckled nose!_ The girl stood frozen to the spot at the nosferatu's appearance. And stood. And stood. A few minutes passed and Alucard was starting to get antsy. His red trench coat hung on his shoulders as he swayed from one foot to the other expecting a response of pure terror. Or any sort of response for that mater. Realizing she was too dumb-struck too speak still, he took the moment to admire how cool he looked with his uniform in the moonlight. At that time, the once-hippo recollected her thoughts. _She looked like her character, she should act like her, too! _

_"_My name is Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the Vampiric Alchemist. But you can just call me Nemmie! I'm famous for my part vampire, part alchemist, part wolf, part cat, and part spiritual powers! I'm also smart and very beautiful! I can do anything and everybody loves me! If I had the chance, I could have beaten that ugly Incognito in less than thirty seconds because I'm just soooo great!"

Alucard cocked his head. "Who?"

"You silly Count, don't deny it, I'm _hawt_!" She pointed and giggled shrilly. Before Alucard could dodge her, _Nemmie _ launched at him and settled on his shoulders with the poor servant's hat in her hands. "What a cool hat, I love it! It's awesome!"

Even though he was slightly confused and wanted an explanation for the human's behavior, Alucard at that point reached for his Jackal in the thought of blasting the brat's head off. Who cares if Nemmie wasn't his target, now even Integral wouldn't be able to stop him from hurting her. Severely.

"Did I mention I'm Integra's daughter and rightful heir to the Hellsing legacy?"

The enraged Alucard slowly put his gun back into his coat. _The brat's related to Master? There was only one thing to do now… As much as I'd hate to say it._

"Get off me, let's go. Master would probably want to see you."

"Can I ride on your back the whole way?"

"No."

"Please?"

Something in Nemmie's eyes caught Alucard's interest. It was a look of longing, and a strange sense of, well, admiration. Or she was faking it. Completely faking it. _This'll be a long trip_. "Fine."

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Having fun yet? Review, and we WILL be back!


	2. Meet Your New Mommy

Thanks for the reviews, you guys! All two of them… Anyways, I'd like to thank my brother for some insight on the story; his _creative_ humor hints helped me a lot. This chapter should clear up a few misunderstandings in the plot.

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"Who the hell is this, servant? What have you done _now_?"

The trip back to the agency _was_ a long one. During that walk, Alucard felt strangely drawn to her. _But not naturally_, he later mused. The girl's presence demanded love, pity, envy, and admiration, all at the same time. No matter how he looked at her and at what angle, she was an obvious freak of nature. There was no way even in hell one can achieve everything she had and not be horribly depressed or crazy. Yet an overwhelming emotion welled up in the nosferatu's mind. To him, she was starting to seem beautiful and oddly attractive. Her manipulative yet enchanting giggles, her strength, her personality. She was sad yet happy, angsty yet peppy, sarcastic yet cute, emo yet preppy, strong yet needed protection, lovable yet, actually, always lovable. As Alucard predicted, Pip's initial reaction to the girl on the Count's shoulders was a look of pure loooooove. It was clear he thought her very attractive, especially in the chest area. _Bastard. She's mine._ But it wasn't right. Something was wrong. Something, but he couldn't place a finger on it. But first, he decided, he had to deal with Integral's lectures.

"This is the second time, Alucard, the second time! You've brought another one here. Another one of your '_toys_'. I can't permit you to keep doing this. This has to stop." Sir Integra paced along the length of her office in front of her servant. Her demeanor was an angry one; which was obvious. Yet the look in her eyes was one of pure amusement. "Alucard, why? Why do you think you can get away with bringing strays into the mansion? What do you want with them? I knew you are twisted, manipulative, but I had no idea you were this perverted." _Another one with a huge chest. Gods_.

"She said she was your daughter."

"What!" The Hellsing shrieked. _Bullshit! That bitch, I want her in here, now!_ This has gone beyond amusement. _This has got to stop._

Reading her mind, the vampire started turning around to let Nemmie into the room. Nemmie let herself in. Through the wall. "I read your mind from the hallway, Integra. Or should I call you mommy?" She giggled once more and shivers ran down Integra's spine.

"That would be unnecessary. By the way, how do you know my name? How do you know _us_? Who _are_ you? " The question seemed to amuse the alchemist even more.

"Oh, mum,-" She started.

"No mum, either! I am not your mother!"

"Tch, fine, grouchy pants. Don't deny it, though. This organization is so secretive. No one wants to admit anything." This world was starting to feel like home to Minerva. Or, in her words, 'just like heaven'. No chair would ever break underneath her petite and curvy ass this time. This time, she will be the star. She will be the Queen of Hellsing! "Alright, Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing, I'll tell you."

"That's Sir Integra_l Fairbrook _Wingates Hellsing to you, whatever your name is."

"Me? My Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the Vampiric Alchemist! And I would have thought you'd recognized your own daughter? _I_ know everything about _you_."She smirked wickedly. Alucard just stood with his eyes dreamily filmed.

Integra leaned slowly towards the intruder.

"Here, buddy, let me clue ya in.." she said slowly "I HAVE no daughter."

"Denying your offspring, that's no way for a lady to behave" Alucard coughed from the corner of the room. "You lied to me, Integral."

"What…" Integra's face contorted into a mask of disbelief.

"You're not a virgin after all." He continued.

Nemmie beamed.

"No…" Integra started.

"Too late, _Maaaasteer_." The vampire growled and phased through the wall backwards for he was still frowning at the current Hellsing. The vampire Alucard strode thoughtfully back to his precious coffin just as the sun rose up above the horizon. Integral stood facing the large window behind her desk watching the sunrise. "You are excused."

Minerva smiled yet again and stood her ground. A vile, contemptuous smile that Integra only sighed at when noticing it reflected on the glass of the window. The Hellsing contemplated the young woman behind her. The Perfect Girl.

"You say you know everything about me, yet you didn't know my full name."

"Err, must have slipped my mind… Where is your suit?"

"What?"

"Your green trademark suit." That's right; Integra wasn't wearing her trademark green suit. It was _black _witha _red_ tie-ribbon. Her hair was more blonde than silver or platinum and her skin wasn't dark at all. The leader looked so much more sophisticated standing before the window. She looked so _European_ and much more _feminine_ than Nemmie thought she did.

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing." An ominous silence filled the room as Integra pondered Nemmie's character. Nemandaria decided to break it. "Alucard acted as if he didn't know who Incognito was when I asked him about that battle during our trip here. Did you order him to never mention that again? Do you regret being_ imprisoned?_"

"What?" _Imprisonment?_ _For what!_

"Heh, don't play the fool, you broke the law, you were branded a traitor."

"Don't toy with me, girl." The Sue decided to probe into the Hellsing's mind. Unfortunately for her, that wasn't possible. Integra sealed her mind shut, Nemmie couldn't get in.

"You're hiding something."

"Everybody has their secrets. You should stick with your own."

"Why are you denying this to me?"

"Why are you so nosey?"

"Come on. I know everything."

"Yeah? You memorized some false information. But you did the memorizing quite well, I'll give you that. By the way, Hellsing's do not act like you were just doing. You are a fraud, it's obvious."

Nemmie decided to ignore the last comment. "Anime never lies!" She blurted out instead.

"What?"

"Urgh, never mind." The young girl fell silent.

"It is time for me to ask the questions now. Listen; you said your name was 'Elric Hellsing'. And you know I'm not your parent but refuse to show it. What do you want? Who is the Elric? Another man from your fantasies?"

Minerva let out a small giggle. "Silly, Sir Integra, what else would a perfect sixteen year-old girl like me want, but a perfect family?" And with that, she phased, giggling, through the wall.

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See you again next chapter! Don't forget to review!


	3. Perfume of Influence

Thank you all for the great reviews! I'm so motivated, this has turned into such a great project! I hope this chapter explains some more things. The end gets a bit serious, so read on! Wait! This takes place right before the war, so Pip is in it.

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Pip and Seras strolled hand in hand through the brightening hallways of the Hellsing mansion. Perfect sweethearts, so cute it could make you puke. "So, _police girl_," Pip started and Seras smiled. "You know, I saw the strangest scene today. There was a girl in the mansion, one I've never seen before. She was with Alucard."

"Alucard? A _girl_?" Seras's smile faded.

"Yeah, he's a girl, that's what I've been trying to tell you."

"Um, okay…"

"Hell yeah he's a girl."

"Nuh-uh."

"Ouais."

"No."

"Yah."

"Wait!" Seras finally stopped the argument. "You said he was _with _a girl, who?"

"I don't know, I said I've never seen her before." Pip looked to the right side of his brain. "All I remember was she was _incredibly_ attractive."

That remark left him with a bloody nose and a fall to the ground. Before the vamperina could get at the Captain once more, the couple heard a giggling behind them and ceased their fight. Seras turned around, straightened her back, and looked at the newcomer warily. Pip just looked. And looked, and looked.

Expectedly, Minerva stood a few meters from their location, resting mainly on her right leg. Her nano-skirt barely covered her bright pink thong. She looked at Seras with recognition in her eyes (You can tell because they turned pink), yet they changed color to purple in confusion after noticing Pip. The freak girl's mouth perked up into a full radiant smile. _That orange-haired man is hawt! _"Why hello there, Seras." She cried peppily.

The draculina stiffened at the sound of her name coming from the mouth of a stranger. "Hi."

"So, you're the resident vampirina. Why aren't you wearing blue? But tell me, you still not drinking blood? You look awfully frail."

Seras opened her mouth to object and counter the insult, but the sixteen year-old beat her to it. She was addressing Pip now. "Oh, are you a vampire too? I didn't realize there was another one."

"For you, baby, I could be."

That little comeback was it. Seras didn't care who that girl was, or why she was, or how lovable everybody thought she was, one thing was for sure **she was going _down_**. The vampirina hissed through her clenched canines, "Captain, we are leaving. Now. If you'll excuse me, who-ever-you-are, we have some urgent matters to get to. Cheerio."

With that, the still smiling Pip was dragged off down the corridor. His gleaming white-toothed grin never left Nemmie's eyes. _Seras has a boyfriend too? The _wimp_ has a boyfriend too! And he's _hot_! That's wrong! That's just wrong! All the hot guys from this anime are mine, mine! No matter who stands in my way! _The Sue grimaced hideously, swerved around, and stormed off into the other direction down the hallway. She was off to the rooftop to plot her evil schemes. _No one's getting in my way, no one!_

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She quickly spread like a plague through the mansion, infecting the men with a sweet-smelling perfume of evil. Except for Walter, because he wasn't just about to be labeled a pervert. In a single day, or rather mere hours, Minerva had literally gathered up a bunch of fans to follow her where ever she went. Hellsing's whole army of soldiers spread through the mansion behind Nemmie. Her popularity was astounding. Even on the battlefield, she rose far above the rest of the squad. She out-shot the leader, three times, just by throwing the bullets with her hand at the targets. Now that took sKillz0rz.

In addition to that, she was a real help, a true kind-hearted hero yet bad-ass at the same time. By dinnertime, the alchemist saved two kittens from two different trees, one being a palm tree. The kittens joined the soldiers in the fan base and became official Hellsing troops, according to Nemmie. After she crowned the kitties, rumor had it she hunted down and killed three rouge vampires that were conveniently plotting the kitten's demise. She sucked their blood because she was part vampire, but then stated the meal was by far one of the worst she's ever had. England vampires weren't like they used to be. Unanimously, Miss. Perfect was accepted into the Hellsing organization.

Once night fell, Alucard was up, and that only meant more trouble. He congratulated Nemmie on a job well done and told her not so secretly that she is the best thing that's ever happened to Hellsing since him. This conversation occurred around the dinner table for all to hear. None of the men, no, not even Pip, noticed Seras silently excuse herself from the table (and not because she refused to drink her blood that night) and walk sullenly out the back door into the garden.

The feast was a rather large one, a humungous one, a festive one. Numerous TV's littered the back wall blaring MTV music for all to hear. The self-proclaimed-Elric ordered a meal to feed two hundred consisting of all the royal English delicacies. (She said not to worry; she'd pay the money back from her Swiss Bank account.)

"I just want to have a taste of Europe, once again! I've been in Japan fighting off demons and monsters for so long. That place reminded me of when my parents, my _foster_ parents, were brutally murdered by a pack of ravenous, carnivorous, demon hell-bunnies. I witnessed the whole tragic event myself; it was the saddest day of my whole life." The troops started to cry with the girl as she continued her story for half an hour. "Good thing I found my mom again, I finally feel home! Thank you everybody!"

At that moment, the door to the dinning hall creaked open and the aforementioned 'mother' stepped in. Her look wasn't of surprise, nor of even mild annoyance. Integra was perfectly calm when she walked over to the table. In fact, she didn't even yell when she noticed Nemmie spread out on _her_ chair at the head of the table. She didn't even comment on how the girl was sitting (Nemmie lay on the chair like a sofa with her legs hanging off one end and her head resting on the armrests of the other end. She held a bundle of red grapes above her mouth, ready to eat.). When the room went suddenly quiet, the Hellsing simply stated, "I was just finishing some paperwork in my office-"

Her supposed daughter cut her off, "That's alright, _mom_. I saved your seat for you!"

"Non,_ that's_ alright, Nemandaria. I won't be joining you tonight. I plan to eat alone in the garden. It is a very warm night, I plan to enjoy it. Walter will bring me my food. Have a nice supper." And with that, the leader made her way out the door Seras exited through earlier, ignoring the stare Alucard was giving her the whole time. The awkward silence shattered and everyone resumed partying once more, as if their boss hadn't just strolled through the room.

"So, anyone up for dessert?"

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The night _was_ a warm one. The forest around the grounds stood peacefully where it should and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Numerous stars littered the sky and even the big dipper was visible. Somewhere far off, a lone raven cawed and flew up from the branch it was sitting on to get itself to the wild party Nemmie was throwing. That's right, even the bird loved her. But outside the mansion walls it was very quiet as well. Well, apart from the weeping of a lonely Draculina sitting on a cold metal lawn chair in the middle of the back garden. Seras was too preoccupied with crying her eyes out, putting them back into her skull, and starting the whole process over again, she didn't notice her boss quietly approaching.

"Seras Victoria."

The vampire flinched, hopped up and turned around. Her face was obviously red and wet from the tears but she managed to plaster a fake wide-eyed grin on her face and salute professionally. "Sir."

Integral sighed. _This defiantly is getting out of control_. "Seras, at ease. I saw you from my window. It's the new 'recruit', isn't it?" That was more a statement than a question and it served to bewilder the girl. At the sound of 'relax', though, she seated herself on her chair again and Integra sat across from her. Only a matching white table stood as a barrier between the two. _How could she have forgotten the large office window facing the backyard? Now Sir Hellsing knows! _

"Seras, I wouldn't have come down if it wasn't for you. It is the new girl, isn't it?" The Hellsing repeated, more to herself than to her subordinate.

"Well, no, ummm, everybody loves her." The police girl stuttered. "I think she's really nice and all-"

"No you don't!"

"What?" Seras whispered under her breath, confused and astounded.

"You don't like her! You don't even know her. You don't even want to know her. Victoria, I'm not blind. You even hate her, somewhat. Drop the act, she's not as 'nice' as everyone thinks she is, isn't she?"

"I heard she claims to be your daughter-" at the sight of her commander's scowl and shake of the head the young girl dropped her sentence. It tumbled uncontrollably into the dirt and wriggled there like a worm on concrete before shrinking back, dying, and lying limply on the ground.

Integra sighed. "She is not my daughter."

"What?" the draculina uttered once more, this time louder. Her formality to her boss was starting to matter less and less. Sir Hellsing was trying to tell her something, something important, and this was the time to listen well, like any girl should when her best friend comes running up with a problem.

"Whoever she is, she is an imposter, a fake, a fraud. Nemandaria is _not_ a Hellsing." Integral paused when Seras's eyes widened in surprise. _This was going to take some explaining to do. Again._

"I know she is not related to me, I never had a child. I'm only twenty-three, and she's, she's sixteen. That would mean I had her when I was seven. Seras, I'm also a virgin. I couldn't have."

_So that's why Alucard looks at her neck like that when her back is turned! _Seras pondered for a moment as Sir Hellsing looked back at the mansion. _But why is she telling me this?_

"I had a slight suspicion. But if she's fraud, why did you allow her to stay here?"

"She knows too much. Way too much for a regular girl or vampire. Or 'alchemist' for that matter. Also, she seems to have some strange powers apart from her usual strength. Something I can't quite understand. I can't kick her out, she'll come back again anyways. I can't kill her, either."

"Why not?" Seras's bloodlust was beginning to show.

"First of all, that would be very difficult and stupid. It's kind of like attempting to kill a general of an opposing army with a kitchen knife before getting rid of the army itself. It'll stop the attack, but it'll be very stupid and very brash to attempt, no matter how skilled you are with the knife."

"And the rest of the men are obsessing about her."

"Exactly. Now you're getting it." Integra nodded and her recruit smiled softly. All of a sudden, a thought came to her.

"What about Master? Couldn't Alucard get rid of her for you, us?"

The Hellsing rested her head on her palm in deep thought. A minute passed and Seras was contemplated whether her suggestion was of any use. That thought shattered with her boss's next words. "He wouldn't do it." She said. "You heard him back there, he is treating her like a daughter. It's unheard of from him. He didn't even treat _you_ like that. He trusts her more than me."

"That can't be, he only noticed her last night."

"He didn't believe me when I told him it is physically impossible for me to have mothered that girl."

"Now that's thick headed, even for him."

"Yes, you know how he is."

"Humm…"

"It's strange, it's as if she put a spell on him, and he doesn't realize it."

Several minutes passed in awkward silence as the two women recollected their thoughts. The sound of a crow cawing came from the party. It was getting late and Seras wondered briefly what was going on in there. _Actually, she probably didn't want to know…_

"Seras, I have an order for you." Integral's voice cut through her thoughts.

"Sir?"

"You might not like this, but I want you to watch her. Watch 'Nemmie' and try to figure out what she wants from us. It's important we know. Report to me in my office tomorrow night at this time."

"I understand." As an owl hooted in the distance, Sir Hellsing rose and commenced walking towards her home.

"Um, Sir Hellsing!" Integra turned around. "Did you eat anything for dinner?" Seras asked innocently. _Strange for her to worry about something like that._

"I ate in my office, away from the pigs."

Seras just smiled. "Good night, Integral."

"Have a good night as well, Seras."

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Here's to another chapter! Don't forget to review!


	4. The Nazi Stole My Roses

Thank you all for reading this! Thanks for the reviews! Oh, just to clear some stuff up, there _is_ a plotline. And as some of you know, I already have three more chapters written and thus the story continues. It won't end easily, though...

**((((Keep in mind this is Walter's version of the first day Nemmie came to the mansion.))))**

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A rather classy alarm sounded through out the room. It was a soft ring, gradually becoming louder and lauder. Once a lone hand reached up and shut it off, though, it uttered one single phrase.

"Good morning, the time is six am, Saturday June 10th. Monty Python's Flying Circus and the Benny Hill show are airing today at seven o'clock on BBC. Have a good day!"

This fully awakened the sleeping butler. _Yes! The day has come! My two favorite TV shows have been scheduled! Nothing can ruin the day now!_ Those were Walter's first thoughts on the day Nemmie came to them. This day _has_ come, but it's only beginning to be ruined. Walter C. Dornez got up from bed, changed from his sleep wear into his usual butlerish attire, and came out into the main hallway. It was then he heard a very girly yet unfamiliar screech. This caught his attention and he ceased humming happily. He had a bad feeling about this, especially since the screech came from the kitchen down stairs.

The kitchen itself was a mess, to put it mildly. Food and boxes were thrown off their shelves and various brands of corn flakes became one on the floor. Discarded bags of flour and sugar lay nearby, opened and pecked at. The refrigerator doors were open and much of the produce was scattered around like in a normal teenager's room. Except for instead of clothes there were eggs strewn around. Actually, there are eggs in both rooms. Instead of _socks,_ there was _celery. _When the Hellsing family butler walked into the room, his only thought was a negative one. _My celery!_

Walter looked about the room, stunned. The perpetrator sat in the middle of the giant mountain of nutrition. Her multi-colored hair hung from her scalp and, surprisingly, it wasn't wet, at all. Even though gallons of milk and orange juice hide the floor from sight. She turned around from gazing lustfully at the now empty fridge, a soft yet bold smile danced on her lips. The butler looked at her with disgust.

"Who are you and what are you doing!"

"I'm glad you asked, _butler_." Nemmie's eyes twinkled. "I am Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the Vampiric Alchemist, your boss's daughter and your future master. Oh, by the way, where are the Cocoa Puffs?"

Walter felt sick inside. And not the 'I hate you so much, you make me sick, sick' but the 'gross, I'm going to throw- up there is ketchup mixing with milk and Oreos, sick'. _There is ketchup mixing with milk and Oreos!_ He gagged but looked up. All he heard from Nemandaria's caption was 'Nemandaria…De Van… Burgerstein…future master…Cocoa Puffs. _Oh my god, a Nazi! Here! I have to warn Integra!_ The butler ran out the door to the office upstairs. That's right, Walter was too disgusted to think correctly. Nemmie just shrugged and continued rummaging like a pig.

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"Integra!" Dornez ran through the corridor at lightening speed. "Sir Integral!"

A morning-faced Hellsing just walked through the door of her room into her office and was greeted by a flustered butler. She sighed and rolled her eyes. "What is it, Walter?"

"There is a Nazi in the kitchen!" Integra seated herself and looked across her desk at her servant.

"I know. At ease, Walter."

"But, what, uh, but- there's a Nazi down there! I need your orders!"

"My orders are clear: stand down. World War two is over, there are no Nazis attacking the mansion."

"But-"

"Walter." She stated a bit threateningly.

"Sir?"

"Just bring me my cup of tea and some biscuits; I'll explain everything when you return."

"Yes, sir." And with that, Walter briskly hurried out of the room. At the top of the stairs he stopped. _Wait a second, the pig is in the kitchen! I doubt if I'll even find any tea! Let alone biscuits! It is worth a try, though… _And try he did. When he got down to the kitchen, the girl was gone. All that was left was a mound of ruined produce in the middle of the room.

Suddenly, something familiar caught his eye. The boxes of tea in the far right cabinets were left untouched (Not a tea person, is she? Coffee, maybe?). A streak of luck was beginning to show up. After putting the tea kettle onto the stove, the Dornez began looking for some biscuits. _If tea was still around, biscuits have a chance._ But alas, the search was futile. All the boxes of sweets were found, but that was all. Just boxes aren't edible. Walter sighed just as the kettle whistled. He prepared the tea and quickly yet skillfully brought it up on a tray to his master, who gave him a questioning stare. The breakfast was the most important meal of the day, and she wasn't going to take it without biscuits.

"Our imposter ate them all, sir." The butler apologized.

"The bitch has an appetite." Integral muttered under her breath as she picked up the steaming cup of Earl Gray and brought it to her lips. "Oh, yes, speaking of her…"

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Later in the day…

Walter walked leisurely across the length of the mansion. Integral's explanation and description of his foe seemed to worsen the day. _She says she is her daughter…_

The mansion was deserted, the butler noticed. All the soldiers were outside with the newcomer. She certainly became quite popular with the Wild Geese. Currently, by the sounds of it, they were out in the shooting range. The gunfire could be heard to his left. Inside was getting lonely, it was a Saturday and most of the maids were off enjoying themselves on their day off. He continued walking until he reached a door leading to the back yard. Outside _was_ a beautiful day… Stepping out, he admired the scenery. His personal patch of wild roses grew a few meters away from the mansion in the sun. He would cut one of the red ones the next day and bring it in a vase to Integra with her morning meal, just as he had done every Sunday for the past few years. Wild roses were Integra's favorite.

Walter was admiring the roses when a figure zoomed out from the direction of the shooting range. It was Nemmie. She wildly yet gracefully dashed towards the forest. A whole herd of men dashed after her like fan girls after their star. This was getting too interesting, he just had to see what was going on. Getting close, it seemed as if the girl was running to some large tree in the woods. Scratch that, a palm tree. _A palm in the woods! How did that get there! _

Then, the strangest thing happened. Nemandaria touched the glowing stone on her neck and sprouted wings- pure snow white angel wings as large as her body. Effortlessly, she took off skyward riding the winds. To Walter it seemed she was showing off, the girl did several flips and tricks above the trees before retrieving a small black kitten from the top of the palm. She also picked a coconut from the same tree and gently descended to the forest floor. The kitten leaped from her arms onto the ground and started purring and rubbing against the Sue's ankles. _Freak._ Walter stalked off just as Nemmie noticed yet another small furry animal in the spruce pine a couple of meter away. Later in the day, he learned those kittens were proclaimed official Hellsing units and were ordered specially tailored uniforms by Nemmie.

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After dinner, rumor had it Nemmie killed off a couple of vampires. That was only a rumor, however all the soldiers believed it. They were going to hold a feast for Nemmie in the dining hall to congratulate her and accept her into the Hellsing family. At least they won't bother Walter and his TV shows. He heard Nemmie ordered gourmet dishes to feed the men and herself. Something about paying with a Swiss bank account…

Walter was once again wandering the halls. Integra didn't need him at the moment, no calls had to be answered, nothing to do. Just like every other Saturday. The old butler decided to watch TV until his programs were on. Thus, he made his way towards his room. After a few twists and turns through out the mansion, he passed a large wide window. The view made him stop in his tracks and back up. The view was of his rose garden, or what was left of it. Walter's eyes widened in shock. The stems of the flowers were cut way more than necessary. All the flowers were gone and the bushes looked like Tarzan took a machete and hacked them apart like the tough underbrush in the jungle. The butler grew angry. Very, very angry. He knew who did it, and they were going to pay. He turned around and stalked off in the direction of the dining room while preparing his deadly wires for a fight.

As he suspected, Nemandaria, the presumed Nazi, stole one of Integra's largest and most treasured vases and was in the process of shoving the poor stolen foliage into the confined space.

"Miss. Nemmie, what are you doing?" He asked calmly yet icily.

"I'm putting these pretty flowers in this vase to put on the table for the feast. Want to help me?" Nemmie asked peppily.

"No, I really don't, you-"

"I _said_, help me put these roses into the vase." She growled in a commanding tone.

Walter's calm demeanor twitched imperceptibly at the sound of this voice.

"Up Yours!" He finally said.

"That's no way to talk to your master, _butler_!" The Sue hurled back.

"My…master…" Dornez lost his calm. "is Sir…Integral…Hellsing! And I believe those are _her_ flowers."

"Whatever..." Nemmie started but was suddenly silenced as a television set walked into the room. Walter stared. It coughed, and Pip's face appeared behind it.

"We're bringing the TV's like you asked, Nemmie." He said in a voice more befitting a schoolgirl than a hired mercenary. He continued into the room, followed closely by his men, each carrying a television in his arms. "Where do you want them?"

"Over on the back wall." She giggled.

Suddenly, Walter's world turned upside down. "My tele!" he gasped as a burly lieutenant appeared with a wood paneled 1950's novelty. "You're TAKING my television!"

"Naturally," Nemmie chortled. "MTV is useless on only one screen, silly! Then again, your relic probably wouldn't have MTV anyways."

"Then may I humbly request its return?" Asked the stupefied butler.

"Of course……. NOT! I need a tray table don't I? You are dismissed."

Walter Dornez turned slowly, and walked from the room.

"That's right _gramps_," he heard the Nazi giggle. "Run away."

The men laughed. Walter's hand gripped his wire-floss, drawing blood. _She just got in my way of watching my shows! After this, there will be **hell** to pay! Hell! _

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Chapter 5 is on the way! Don't forget to review! Feedback is always appreciated, whether they are flames or positive criticisms!


	5. There is a Zoo in Here

Hello there, chaps. Or should I say chap_ters_? Unlike my other stories, I've been updating this one! It's turning out quite nicely, if you'll let me say this. I just realized I never put a disclaimer in my story! Sad, ain't it? What would happen if I owned Hellsing It would be a comedy. Heh, Well I don't, so there.

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Everyone who knew her knew Minerva to be a slightly confused girl. Not a bad girl, maybe a sad girl, but more a confused girl. But she always had her methods of dealing with her problems. Actually, make that people. She was one manipulative girl. If you called her fat, in a couple of weeks you'd be buying lunch for her at school. You see, she had her ways, methods, and she always puts them to good use. Or shall I say, Nemmie puts them to good use?

Nemmie started manipulating people since the second she found herself laying in the middle of the forest several chapters ago. Because of her Sueness, she was able to turn the trait into an ability. An ability that gave her power. And as we all know, power equals money. Or was it the other way around? The point being, her Sueness was turning into an art form. Everybody she put under her spell gave her more and more power until eventually she would be the title character of Hellsing. Alas, Nemandaria could care less if anyone got hurt in the process.

The next day was uneventful, but for Nemmie, it was nothing but enjoyable. One doesn't often get sucked into the world of their favorite anime, err, manga, do they? Certainly, the girl found harassing the butler and the resident vampirina as well as having Pip swoon over her quite to her liking and decided she defiantly belonged there. After all, everybody loved her. And everybody who didn't will soon be under her jurisdiction anyways. No, she had fun and even Alucard came out on the rainy day to watch her 'train' and own the gun range with her amazing abilities. If you asked Walter, he would probably call it 'being a show-offish bitch'.

Really, only after dinner did the real fun begin for the rest of the gang.

Around five O'clock that Sunday, Integra was called on for a meeting with a couple of the higher ups to discuss some sort of agreement that even the Hellsing didn't know about. Not that it was unusual for something like that to happen. But it was unusual for her to decide to take Seras along. Usually Alucard went. Of course, he was somewhat _preoccupied. _

Integral arrived at the meeting precisely at a quarter till five and sat down at her seat while Seras stayed in the corridor outside. The knight was still angry because of the rose incident, as seeing a wild red rose on her table once a week secretly made her day. After all, everyone has those little things that make them go 'Ah, I feel like part of me is sitting here with me in a physical form.' Without the rose, Sir Hellsing felt like part of her just died with the arrival of her newest enemy. Ask any English teacher, they'd say the flower is a symbol with a theme.

All the seats were filled with wrinkly old bureaucrats except one position. The chair to the right of her was empty leaving the director to wonder who could possibly be missing. Minutes passed and the old men Integra was laughing at inside her head were getting restless. Suddenly, a soft _'eep!_' was heard from behind the door and Enrico Maxwell barged in, taking his spot and pretending nothing was wrong. Before the meeting commenced, Integral could swear the priest next to her was giggling to himself.

As the knight suspected once her rival stepped through the door, the meeting was to be a bad one. The subject matter discussed included 'playing nice' and not killing each other. Other than that, a two hour conversation erupted about budget cuts and border skirmishes. Something about America was brought up and the old geezers environing the two directors persisted on arguing about the latest international gossip. To put it mildly, the whole get-together was long and boring.

The only things keeping Sir Hellsing from going insane was Seras's telepathy and the Catholic sitting beside her. Seras learned to send and receive messages through her mind from Alucard a few weeks back and after mastering the technique referred to it as her own personal email. Turns out, Enrico brought a bodyguard with him Father Anderson and told him to wait in the hall as well. Frequently, Integra got messages from the draculina going along the lines of 'He's here and he's scary and old!', 'Is cleaning bayonets in public normal?' and 'I don't think that's supposed to bend like that.'

After 'Is there a joint in the middle of the femur?' Maxwell was getting noticeably bored. To the annoyance of everybody there, he started doodling on the margins of the papers in front of him, the reports passed out by the head old guy sitting at the end of the table. Though Integral found his very presence a pain in the ass to handle, her curiosity got the best of her and she looked upon the scribblings.

It was a drawing of Sir Irons but considerably shorter, fatter, and with a large mustache. He wore a clown costume and a pie was about to collide with his head. A large red clown nose covered his pale face and large clown shoes adorned his feet. Although Enrico's behavior was childish at best, Integra had to suppress a giggle which turned into a soft snort. Only the priest looked up at her and quickly covered the drawing with the palm of his hand, blushing.

A few minutes later, the Hellsing elbowed the director next to her and tilted her report for him to see. On the page was the head of the current council with large sunglasses in a bear costume, surfing. Thus, the game of drawings was on. Each would doodle something and, not to be outdone (or in this case out-_drawn_), the other would draw something better. In the end, Integra drew a pig with Maxwell's face holding the bible in one hand and a pitchfork in the other. Underneath, the words 'the Catholic Swine' were engraved with cursive letters. Maxwell, in turn, drew Integra as a bunny with long ears replacing her hair. She was smoking a cigar but looking cute at the same time. 'The Protestant Bunny' was written next to it.

She had to hand it; Enrico was a pretty good artist.

At that moment, 'He's doing acrobatics again' cut through her mind. In response, Integral just smiled.

"Do you find something funny, Sir Hellsing?" one of the bureaucrats asked angrily.

"Not at the least, carry on." She replied, annoyed. Suddenly the meeting was dull again.

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At around half past seven, the last few sentences were uttered and everyone stood up from their seats. The Hellsing walked out through the large double doors acting as if nothing happened. And as far as anyone was concerned, nothing did. The sight in front of her shocked her. Seras stood at the doorway like ordered but with a shocked and yet slightly amused expression on her face. Anderson was standing on his right hand holding a bayonet in his left and a chair propped up balancing on his air-born feet. _He _was_ doing acrobatics…_

"Come on Seras, leave him alone. We have to get back to the mansion." Seras nodded and followed her boss down the corridor but not before shooting a confused glance at Alexander. All of a sudden, a giant red-eyed black cat raced around the corner and headed straight for the pair, it's cute-yet deadly tail flailed wildly behind it. Integra and Seras jumped out of the way just in time and Anderson dropped his bayonet and stopped the approaching monster with his bare hands. Behind him, Enrico stood with a shocked expression.

"Bloody Hell!" Integra jumped up from the ground and reached for her gun. Hellsing isn't just a _vampire_ hunting organization, _but this is ridiculous_! The silver from her bullets did nothing to stop the monster for the wounds healed instantly just like on a powerful vampire. Anderson's blades couldn't even pierce the cat's skin. Without warning, it rose up and swatted Enrico against the wall and he fell into unconsciousness. "Damn!"

The Hellsing was really starting to get pissed. As the over-sized animal slammed Seras against the wall with its side, she knew they were fighting a loosing battle. Against a giant kitten! A kitten! That isn't normal! _It was as if some unknown force wants us to lose. Someone with power. Someone who knows how to make kittens invincible. _After all, the origins of the beast were unknown.

Integra stood by Anderson with her gun raised, aiming at the approaching animal's eyes. Her, standing together with an enemy, fighting for their lives. That is not very fitting at all. Especially when they were up against a monstrosity. Something like that never happens everyday. _Of course, one almost never comes across a strange girl pretending to be blood related to you, eith--'_ her thoughts were cut off. Something caught her eye a lone figure rising from behind the kitten. It was Nemandaria.

"Take that, monster!" She cried with an angry girly voice and stabbed the creature in the back with her giant broadsword. The cat cried out in pain and started to shrink. After Nemmie jumped back, a small kitten lay on the carpet, bleeding to death. The girl shrieked and rushed to its side. She stroked it with gentle hands and picked it up carefully. The crystal on her neck, the philosopher's stone, glowed crimson and the wound shut. Within seconds, the animal was back on its feet playing with her 'savior's' long hair.

Then the alchemist looked up. Integra felt nauseous. Maxwell and the vampirina were conscious again, and thus the four previous warriors stared at the newcomer. Integral and her servant glared fiercely at her but Nemmie brushed them off. _They weren't worth a fuss. _Maxwell, on the other hand, gazed longing fully at her, clearly eternally grateful for such a _gallant_ rescue. Anderson looked unfazed.

"Hello all!" Nemandaria started with a chipper voice. "I'm so glad I found you! If I hadn't, the kitty would have killed you all!" She giggled, Integra almost threw up.

"Oh, right, some of you don't know me yet, but I know you- Enrico Maxwell and Alexander Andersong."

'…_song?' _

"Anyways, my name is Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the Vampiric Alchemist, and I'm Integra's daughter!"

"You're pretty…" Enrico started.

"I know, right?" The girl giggled again.

"Why are you here?" Integra suddenly growled.

"I told you, silly. I came to rescue you! I could sense trouble miles away, plus I can fly so I got here just in time! You should be grateful!"

"But I am…" The priest smiled.

"Seras, again, we are leaving. Let's go."

Nemmie looked hurt. "What about me?"

"You flew _here_, you'll just have to fly back."

"Mommy is mean!" The girl whined and Maxwell took the bait.

"Your _mommy_ can be so grouchy; you can come with us, though."

"I'd love too! But I'm afraid uncle Alucard wouldn't like that…"

'_Uncle?'_ Seras thought as she exited the building. That was the last line she heard before following her boss out the door. They left the Vatican troops and the bitch back in the corridor. She reached up and scratched the back of her head_. The whole weekend did not go well at all and now even Iscariot was under the fraud's control._ For the first time in a long time, Seras wished for a change of pace, she wished Monday would hurry up and come already.

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Slow chapter, wasn't it? Not a lot of dialogue at all. This one was kind of dull to write, but I needed Iscariot in there, somewhere. Plus, meetings are a lot of fun! ; P Well anyways, dialogue is coming, a lot of it, in the next few chapters. A lot of dialogue, you'll see…. Mwuahahaha!

I think reviving the enemy you just slain because it was so cute is the most Sue-ish thing to do ever. Don't you agree?


	6. Twisted Perspective

Here it is! Chapter 6! Sorry, I haven't updating for the past week and a half, my friend came to live with me for a while, I had no time to write. I'll have more chapters up later. This one, in fact, has dialogue! As promised! And, it gets to the actual plot! There's a plot!

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It was well past eight when the head of the Hellsing Agency arrived at her home, and it was well past Integra's limit of aggravating events for a day. As far as she knew, if she went to bed early (before twelve O'clock) all will be well before morning. Sir Hellsing was not one to wish away problems, nor the type to ignore them. Even so, the levies broke and the overpowering tide of horrific thoughts flooded her mind.

_What if on the way back, Miss Nemmie crashes into a truck and dies?_

_What if the Nazis get her?_

_What if she gets lost? Knowing her, it is a possibility…_

_What if she flies too high near the sun and her wings melt and she falls into the Thames? Wait a second, that's just ridiculous. _

The director looked up and Walter stepped forward as the expensive car came to a stop near the front door. He opened the door and Integra stepped out, followed by Seras. The butler looked worried.

"Sir Integra."

"What is it Walter?"

"We have a situation."

"What?" The Hellsing sighed. _This wasn't going to be good._ "Does this concern Nemandaria?"

"Um, well…"

"Yes…?"

"How _did_ you know?"

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Nemmie stood in the dinning hall used for a feast the night before, thinking about throwing another one. A few meters away, Maxwell and his paladin gazed at the alchemist. Enrico was in love. He just couldn't stop staring at _the beautiful, perfect, strong, powerful_ lady in front of him. _I wish every girl was like Nemmie… _

Anderson, on the other hand, was busy on the lookout for 'fell beasts' (1. 155. 5. 2). Even though his boss wasn't, _he _was trying to honor the church and keep all sins at bay, even the small ones. Gradually, though, he was starting to see why Maxwell was so obsessed with Integra's _presumed_ daughter._ She was pretty… And strong… and- Ahh! Noooo! Wrong!_ In other words, Alexander was fighting himself. His internal conflict was suddenly solved when the head of the household burst through the double-doors and started to persecute the occupants of the room. _Obviously, Nemmie had to work on that mother-daughter relationship some more._

"Nemandaria! Who the _hell_ is this!" Integra yelled at the half vampire.

"Oh mum, I just meet some new friends! I'm sure you've seen them before?"

The Hellsing growled. This was too much, too much… "What are_ they_ doing here?" She put on a calm act. _This may be bad, but she could at least act professional at it. _

"I invited them! After all, Ricky here was hungry. I was hoping Walter would prepare us something good to eat for dinner. I offered him the leftovers, but your butler is so rude he ra-"

"Ricky!" her calm demeanor didn't last long.

"Ricky! Enrico! Get it? Enrico…Rico…Ricky!" Nemmie giggled. Maxwell beamed. Anderson shook his head. Integra sighed. Walter covered his face with his hands. Seras cried. Alucard phased through walls. Pip grew jealous.

"Why you---" Integral started but Anderson cut her off.

"I guess that _is_ kind of cute…"

Sir Hellsing turned around and glared at the Iscariot members. "You guys are supposed to be priests. At least act like it!"

Maxwell smiled. "Ah, Sir Integra. So nice of you to join us."

The director snorted. _Delayed reaction, maybe?_

"Just because you aren't as popular or as strong, or as blatantly hot as your daughter doesn't mean--"

That was the last straw, the last fig leaf. "_Alucard!"_

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The monster's name pierced his skull at an incredible rate. Integra was calling. It didn't matter that he was already almost up to the room the whole cast occupied, it didn't matter that he knew what the situation was, it just mattered that Sir Hellsing wanted him by her side, as always, right that second. The count phased through the wall to stand between Integral and Nemandaria. _This was going to get ugly_.

"Alucard." The director repeated.

"Yes, _my master_?"

"As you know, we have three guests to many. They are the three I want out of here. I want them out of my sight for good, and I want that done now."

Alucard sighed. _The pig he didn't care for; he wanted to fight Anderson anyways, but Nemmie? Nemmie_? _His beautiful niece? His precious, hot, beautiful niece he wanted to MARRY?_ His master lied to him once already, how can he trust her orders _now?_

"No."

"WHAT!"

"No, master."

"Obey me, servant!"

"No. And another time, no. I will not fight your daughter."

"I have no daughter!"

"Liar!"

"I am your master, and you don't trust me? Can't you read my thoughts? And even if you can't, you'll still have to obey my every whim. Get her!"

"I trust Nemandaria more then you. She is my future master, she is your kin,** I obey_ her_**."

"What!" Integra's eyes widened. She knew Alucard was gone and commanding him was just a test to see if he'll do anything at all, but this? She didn't expect _this_. This was getting way out of hand. She glanced at Seras, who was clenching her teeth in fright. This has _defiantly_ gone too far. She needed to gain control of her vampire! "I am your_ present _master, and you must obey _me_. Nemandaria is not of Hellsing blood! She is a fraud! Can't you tell? Why can't you trust _me_? What has that **_bitch_** done to you?"

The count's eyes blazed an especially bright crimson red. The kind of red you find on Tony the Tiger's bandana on 'Frosted Flakes' cereal boxes. Before anyone could move a muscle, he lunged forward and grabbed his master's tie-ribbon and leaned towards her face menacingly, showing his fangs.

"You just called Nemmie a bitch…"

_Bastard_… "Alucard, what are you doing?" She demanded angrily not showing a hint of fear. She's lived long enough with him not to show fear. He could _sense_ fear. Like a rabid animal. When she was little, Integra always imagined the Crocodile Hunter jumping out from behind a corridor and trapping Alucard with nets before explaining his 'catch's' behavioral patterns. Now, the Brit had one thought on her mind, just one.

_The bonds are supposed to be in place right now…_

"You are refusing an order from your master. You are being disobedient. Have you forgotten about the blood binds Hellsing has on you? The seals and the restraints? Doesn't it _burn_ right now?"

"Order? My master gave me no order."

Off to the side Nemmie laughed maniacally. She laughed and she giggled in that shrill, vile, contemptuous laugh of hers. The other occupants of the chamber stood off to the side, not daring to mess with the three.

"Don't you get it, mother? He doesn't hurt because he is in no way disobeying his master."

"You! I _am_ his master, I gave him an order! "

"Face it, Integra, and give up. _I_ am Alucard's _true_ master now."

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Intense. Well, we'll just have to wait and see. There'll be surprise guests next chapter. I'm sure you all know who they are…


	7. Predator and Prey

Here it is chapter 7! I told you there would be new guests onto the story plotline. Actually, I have no idea why I decided to put them in here. Just a whim, I guess. Or maybe it's the fact that it just fits?

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"So, brother, why do we need the philosopher's stone now? Didn't you promise we wouldn't have to use it? All the lives, all the sacrifices?"

"Shh, Al, I can sense the stone… It's near…"

"Ed, why-"

"Shhhhh! We are going to find it this time!"

"Ethics!"

"Shh!"

"Morals!"

"Shhhhhh!"

"Sanity!"

"Shush! We'll find an already done stone and we won't have to kill anybody! We can finally get ourselves back to normal!"

"But brother…"

"What is it?"

"I have a bad feeling about this…"

The Elric brothers in full Elric glory walked along a dirt road in the middle of a dense forest. Edward stalked along in front of his younger brother walking as if he just sniffed something out and is following its scent. Every several moments, he stopped in his tracks, crouched low to the ground, sniffed the dirt, and hopped up again. Al, the metal suit-clad younger Elric just looked at him funny.

"It is near…."

"How can you know where the stone is, we don't even have any rumors to go by."

"Instinct."

"Instinct? I'm positive this place isn't even on the map!" Alphonse retorted.

"Of course it isn't on the map, didn't that inter-dimensional portal we walked through a while back tell you we aren't in Amestris any more?"

"Than where are we? How can I be sure you didn't just drag us out here to escape Colonel Mustang's orders?"

"That wimp! He doesn't even have a sixth sense. I have 'philosopher stone vision'."

"Whatever."

The pair walked on through the woods. It was getting really dark, really fast. Fortunately, Al spotted light penetrating the trees ahead. The forest was thinning and Edward was getting hungrier. After all, they didn't eat since they were still in Amestris, their home country.

"I think I see a house." The suit of armor pointed out.

"A house? More like a mansion."

"Doesn't matter, as long as people live there."

"Let's go. I feel the stone, it's much closer…"

In a flash, the Elric brothers were at the door to the Hellsing mansion. How they got around the guards, only they know. Alas, when they tried to ring the doorbell, they couldn't find it and when they tried knocking, nobody answered.

"So they don't want guests, let's not bother them."

"Al, I'm hungry."

"I'll catch you a squirrel."

"That's disgu-" Edward began but stopped. There were voices coming from the other side of the large home. "Al, listen. Do you hear anything?"

"There are people in there! They seem to be having, um… a party?"

"Let's go see." The two set off towards the sounds in the hopes for nourishment and one powerful red stone. They snuck around the house, ducking under the countless windows lining the walls. At long last, they reached the large windows to the dining room. There were people in there all right, but they were in no way partying.

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"Put her down, Alucard, err, _servant. _We have more important matters to get to." Alucard, still holding the true Hellsing by almost the neck, sneered.

"Fine." With that, he threw her to the ground and walked towards Nemandaria. Integra was still gaping at them in shock.

"Let's go." The pair turned to leave just as two foreigners crashed through the door. Edward Elric, with his small red trench coat came to a stop next to Nemmie. Alphonse, on the other hand, rushed to the fallen Hellsing's side and helped her up. Nemandaria, along with the rest of the gang gazed at the newcomers in astonishment. _The Elrics? Here! This really was her day… _

_"_The philosopher's stone!" Edward gaped. Nemmie beamed.

"Yes, yes it is." The teenage girl drew her hand up to her neck and held the glowing stone between her fingers. "This is it, Edward Elric."

"Wait, how…"

"This stone took countless lives to make. My only wish is to regenerate those lives, but I can't." The girl intervened.

Edward shook his head and his countless questions aside but one. "So why do you keep this stone around?" At this point, all the other people were listening in confused.

"My, uh, my _best friend_--- I made a promise to him. I have to keep this stone. It is my curse." Nemmie looked miserable. Edward suddenly felt sorry for her, as did all the other males in the chamber except for Walter, who isn't a pedophile., and Al, who is made of metal. Her horrible acting influenced her followers like nothing else.

"I'm, I'm so _sorry_." The older Elric choked out before bursting into tears. "You must live a very sad life. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!"

_This isn't brother! _Al was baffled. _This girl, this strange girl who knew his name before them even introducing themselves, just made Ed cry because of her? Something was defiantly wrong here_. But, of course, the whole situation was new. _Who are these people? What is going on? Where were they_? From the looks the woman he helped up was giving the freak-girl, this wasn't the first time something strange happened here. "Brother?"

"Yes, Al?" the golden haired teenager replied in between sobs.

"Actually, um, Miss, do we even know you?"

"Why, I believe Eddie-Chan does!" She suddenly giggled. Integra gapped at Edward. _Wait! _This_ is the Elric the wench was referring to?_ This_ is who she's _named_ after?_ "Yes, you guys! I am Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the Vampiric Alchemist and you-" she pointed to Ed. "-Are my husband!"

"WHAT!" Most of the room bellowed.

"Ex-husband."

Most of the cast sighed. _This was such a long day indeed._

To the surprise of his blood brother, Edward sighed in recognition. "I remember now, honey. We ran off and wedded in a cozy little chapel in the woods the day we met. I remember that day…"

"No such thing ever happened, Edward!" Alphonse jumped up and grabbed him away from Nemmie's gaze. "What have you done with him, you witch!"

The witch in question cackled and turned to face the Anti-Sue members, all four of them, who stood in the corner by the door. They were bunched up for protection. Al was busy trying to get his brother to stop staring dreamily at the approaching girl with no avail. Suddenly, a light bulb popped up on top of Integra's head and she turned it on. The blazing light blinded the Sue for a moment. The bright light of thought penetrated her skin.

"I don't know who these two are, but if at least one of them is with us, so be it. I am retiring to my chambers and getting some much needed rest. Come, Seras, Walter, let's go."

"Don't pretend this didn't happen! I control Alucard now! Don't you forget it!"

The Hellsing ignored her 'daughter's' exclamation. "Um, whoever you are, Knight, come with me. Leave your brother. There's nothing we can do."

Alphonse turned to look at the commanding lady. Her sapphire eyes flickered with anger yet shined with intellect. Integra defiantly had an idea. Next, he looked at his brother who was steadily crawling towards the enraged Nemandaria's feet. There really _wasn't_ anything he could do now but act and feel confused. "Alright, lead the way." He finally uttered sulkily. The quartet turned towards the door.

"You! I won this battle! Don't pretend you haven't lost! Losers!"

Integra ignored The Sue's yelling until they were out in the hall again. She poked her head back into the room and whispered one sentence with a clever tone.

"You may control the _vampire_, but I am still the master of this organization."

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This is going by the fact that if you've heard of Hellsing, you've heard of FullMetal Alchemist. I mean, everybody knows them. And if not, there is always Google to at least look up their images.


	8. Talk About Tension

Alright! Thanks for all the reviews! Advertising on Gaia sure has its benefits.

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"Okay, we're alone now… I think." Integra glanced around her office from her roost at the head of her large oak desk. The three other members of the 'Anti-Sue'(As they agreed to be called back in the hallways) gathered around nervously.

The director pressed her hands together and leaned forward towards Alphonse. "On to business. Who the HELL are you?"

The alchemist cringed.

"Well? Who are you? I don't usually have unexpected guests-- scratch that. I like to know who it is that barges into my home without permission."

Al regained some of his wits noticing how tired the woman in front of him looked. She sounded tired and fed up. Obviously, she needed help. Mental help. "I am Alphonse Elric, alchemist and brother to Edward Elric, State Alchemist. We are, were, here to retrieve the philosophers stone that is hanging on the enemy's neck."

After noticing the listener's faces, he rephrased the speech. "We want the girl's necklace."

"Oh, okay. That makes sense."

"It does?"

"No. But we have bigger things to discuss."

Seras glanced to her left at Alphonse. "What's bigger than him?"

The aforementioned suit of armor gazed at the floor. It was very interesting how the tiles were ordered so that the white ones never bordered the black ones and vise versa. Even the amount of dust on the ground was unnoticed to the untrained eye. Unluckily, Alphonse collected dust balls so he knew good, fine, lovely dust where ever his metal eyes focused. The dust here contained rather exquisite particles of richness, the kind only found in large stately homes. The kind that vibrated with collector's trademarks. He had to have the dust off Sir Integra's flooring. It took all of his will to stop staring and glance up. "What happened to my brother?"

"He, I, uh, we don't know." Walter spoke up.

"You don't know?"

"No we don't. Our best guess is he was put under a spell of some sort. Most of my staff, it appears, seemed to undergo a similar brainwashing." Integral lit a cigar and stared towards the far wall. "Our most powerful unit is under her control." She kept staring for twenty minutes while the troop shuffled their feet and played tick-tac-toe on the dust covered tiles. Walter swore the boss didn't blink once.

It was the newcomer, though, who finally spoke up. "Um, Ma'am, what are we going to do now? I want brother back."

"Please, call me Sir."

"Right…um…_Sir_?"

"We are going to formulate a plan!" The Hellsing exclaimed as if it was the greatest idea that's ever come to her head and started cackling evily.

The Elric quietly whispered into the police girl's ear. "I don't supposed she goes out often?"

"No, I don't believe she does."

"Miss Victoria!"

Seras squeaked and jumped into the air. "Sir!"

"Report!"

"Report what, Sir Hellsing?" She asked innocently.

"I told you yesterday to watch the newcomer closely. I hope you are ready to give the report now?"

_That? I thought that was off the second she ordered me to accompany her to the meeting, I have nothing to-- _Her thoughts were interrupted.

"Today, Police Girl. I'm sure it's about that time to fulfill your order."

_Blimy! One thing left to do_ _BS it! That's the key! _"Um… I noticed she can shoot laser beams out o her eyes and, um, it seems all the men fall for her quite easily." _Oh god, she would never buy **that**!_

"Interesting." Integra stared un amused. "But we already knew that. You are a vampire, don't you have any powers to help investigate her a little more in depth?"

"I…"

"Mind reading, perhaps?"

"It was impossible to read her thoughts, she sealed me out, sir."

"Now we're getting somewhere." Walter sighed.

"So she's immune to mental vampire abilities used against her. Nemandaria is a lot more powerful than most enemies we fight. All we need is a plan to take her down."

Alphonse suddenly spoke up. "A direct attack from all sides?"

"Direct? I just said she'll be more than we can handle alone. She's got Alucard, Anderson, AND your brother under control!"

"Don't forget Pip!"

"Yeah, him too. It's a right bad scene. We need to think of something better."

"So… Who are you people?" Al asked nervously. The whole look of the place gave him the creeps. It wasn't everyday you meet a society under siege by a teenage girl. Actually, for him, yes it was.

"We're Brits." Seras smiled.

"Brits… right."

"Don't listen to her." Walter interrupted. "We are vampire hunters."

Al intervened animatedly, "We hunt homunculi!"

"You fight who?" Seras pretended to be interested.

The child-like voice began ranting excitedly. "We hunt, err, we _avoid, _these creatures that used to be human but are very old. They still look young though (Most of them.). They are very manipulative and like to bend and toy with people's lives and they're very power-hungry. They are also practically invincible and can only be killed by… Um… I don't know…"

"Did you try garlic? That is the exact description of a vampire." Integra finally broke away from her train of thought.

"I wouldn't call them vampires. They look just like me or you and they are very hard to recognize."

"I'm a vampire!" The police girl grinned eagerly.

"Oh, really? That's ahh, that's wonderful…" The Elric backed away a few meters still smiling nervously.

The young Hellsing recruit sighed. _No one accepts me…_

"Wait!" Al made a breakthrough. "If you are vampire _hunters_, why are you letting _her_ stand there like that!"

"She's one of us. Plus, no one fears her." The director replied calmly.

"Reminds me of Casper."

"Reminds me of your mom, shut up."

A few awkward minutes passed with cameras and sun hats. They took a few tourist photos and continued on to another destination.

"So…" Alphonse began.

Walter turned to address the pack. His usually calm butler patience was thinning. "What are we doing here? Not to be rude or anything, but this is pointless, Sir Integra. You sat there for almost an hour thinking about nothing, we aren't getting anything done!"

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"No, I am being serious!"

"Uh-huh."

"We just wasted a whole hour introducing ourselves to each other and having idle chit-chat."

"You're point…?"

"The readers are getting bored! We've been wasting time and this whole chapter went down the drain! People will stop reading this dumb story if we keep this up! The readers want action! The readers want fight scenes! There won't be any reviews!"

"What?"

"Oh, never mind."

"Anyways. I've got a plan." Integra voiced evilly.

"That's great!" Exclaimed the police girl.

"Yay!" Shouted Al.

"Really?" Uttered Walter.

"CAW!" cried the raven outside.

"Finally." Nemmie sighed.

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I promise you, the battle will start next chapter and will span a while. The Sue won't die easily, it's going to hurt. I promise.


	9. The Family Sue

Number nine! Number nine! Number nine. Number nine... Number nine……. Yeah, Chapter nine. Enjoy, the conflict starts here!

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"So, you finally decided to join us, huh?" Integra said with a smirk. _This is going to get interesting._ Alucard stood a few feet in back of Nemmie just like he usually did with every other Hellsing. The orange-haired captain and the golden haired alchemist were positioned on either side of the Sue. Even the two priests where there, and Nemmie liked that. A lot. A lone raven hovered above them, glaring menacingly at the opposing force. Everybody's eye's were a cloudy purple color except Nemandaria's, which were red because she was angry, quite angry indeed.

"So, here we go again, mum. We are going to settle this once and for all."

"Settle this? I am just barely through settling into this chair."

"Hellsing is mine."

"You keep saying that but do you really mean it?"

"What! Of course I do!"

"Right…"

"What are you trying to say?"

All of a sudden, Walter intervened. "Look into your heart Miss, do you really want to rob all of us of our lives? I know deep inside you are a kind and caring person with a few mixed up ideals. I know also that you would never hurt anybody intentionally, you are just so misunderstood!" The old butler started to get really into his speech. "Miss, no, _Lady_ Nemandaria! Look at you! You are gorgeous! You are brave! You have a heart no one else can match! It is up to you to put that heart to good use! Will you do it?"

The girl in question snorted. "Hell no!"

"Oh well, it was worth a try."

Integral leaned forward over her desk as Nemmie approached. Her 'daughter' slammed her hands on the piece of furniture and did the same so their noses were barely touching. Snape kills Dumbledore.

"Why don't you just give up, why don't you just join me?"

"Join you? Join _you_? _Join_ you? I wouldn't even say hi to you on the street in such circumstances."

"Mom, you are so stubborn! I'll have to do it the hard way."

"And which way is that? You already committed some serious crimes against me that I need to fix alone. How much harder does it get?"

"Crimes? Everything I _executed _inthis house was for the benefit of this organization."

"If you're going to use big words, at least use them correctly."

"Shut up! What do you know?"

The Hellsing at the desk waved away the insult with her hand. "You seduced almost every man in this facility, posed as my daughter, destroyed my roses, and you are trying to kill me. That would make you……….A COMMUNIST!"

"Ahh!"

"Ahh!"

"Ahh!" Nemandaria jumped backwards just as Integra pressed the red button under her desk. A tile in the floor flew open right under the freaked out girl and she plummeted into the darkness. After several seconds, part of the ceiling opened up and a screaming Nemmie nose-dived to the flooring and landed in a large heap.

"Bloody he-- Can you come back later when my functional malcontent trapdoor will be completed?"

"What the hell was that?"

The director stood up. "So much for my plan. I guess we have no choice but to do it your way, the _hard_ way." Thus, she persisted to draw a handgun out of her suit and shoot the half vampire in the face three times.

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Vile crimson splattered in all directions landing on the occupants and even all four walls of the office.

"I half expected it to be made of wood."

Nemandaria lay on the tiles in an ocean of her own blood. Her jaw twisted in a sick direction, and half her teeth scattered across the ground, bouncing joyfully in song and dance as they did so. The girl's round pink right eye popped out of it's deep slimy socket and only held on to the butchered remains of the face by several blue veins. The hair was matted as clumps of it were drenched in red, sticky blood. The skull was visible in a lot more than one place, and chips of it fell into what was left of the nose. Pieces of brain spotted the tile flooring.

"And that is the end of Miss Nemandaria Draculina Alexandrianskarianas De Van Seingrheinrichtenburgerstein Elric Hellsing the Vampiric Alchemist." Everyone Stared wide-eyed at the blond vampire standing near by.

"You _actuall_y memorized her _name_!"

"Um, I guess I'm good at that…" Seras laughed nervously and scratched the back of her head. The still alive Hellsing rolled her eyes.

"And that, gentlemen, is why nobody messes with Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. Go back to your posts, I will speak to all of you later, but now I hav-"

"You killed Nemmie!" A chorus of voices bellowed at their commander.

Walter hopped to his feet. "The spell is supposed to be broken! She's dead, isn't …she?"

An enraged mob of soldiers swarmed the office. "We will die for our leader, our precious, hot leader!"

"No, brother! I don't want to hurt you!" Alphonse cried desperately, dreading the thought of forcefully being pitted against sibling.

The crowd marched on, dramatically. The four anti-Sue members braced themselves. It wasn't everyday your entire organization/rival/boyfriend/brother tried to kill you. Well, maybe the rival, but still. Moments before the first shot was fired, an evil cackling filled the room. It was a familiar laugh, a maniacal one. Everyone froze in their cold places. The corpse on the ground began to materialize again while making strange and unwelcome noises. The brains occupying the walls slowly crawled like slugs towards the carcass and connected with the once severed nerves. Nemmie was forming anew, and there was no way to stop the sickening verb. Once the voice box of the _creature _took on a near perfect shape, the Sue began to speak.

"What did you think would happen, _Sir_? Why did you think shooting your only kin could have solved anything? You really are a bad mother, aren't you, Integra?"

Integral tightened her grip on her handgun. "You aren't meant to walk these halls, or to control who walks in them. I know who you are, actually. I figured it out…"

"Oh, really?"

"I've read somewhere, on the internet, was it? I read all about who, _or what_, you are."

"Get on with it!" Nemandaria yelled irritably from across the room. That Hellsing was really ticking her off now.

"It is quite simple. You are a bloody creation, a figment of your true self, a make-believe _image_. The thing any self respecting character loathes and curses. A bloody _Mary-Sue_."

"WHAT?" The Sue in question cried in disgust. She fell backwards, clutching at her eyes (and for a good reason, too) which were melting away in the form of a bubbling rusty goop. The once colorful strands of her hair darkened and sizzled as some of it started to burn off. "What have you done! Why? What are you trying to do!"

The proper Hellsing smiled in response. The Sue's armies quickly circled the crying girl and faced the Anti-Sue.

"What have you done to Nemmie!" demanded Alucard heatedly.

"My dear servant, you should have done your research too. When I was a teenager, I would regularly visit many different sites dedicated to this. I was an Otaku before as well. How could I not? Inuyasha, Rurouni Kenshin, Naruto… The list goes on and on. And like I said, there are websites just for fans like I. Fan Fiction is a very popular one, if I remember correctly. The only problem with it is just one thing. You." She pointed an accusing gloved finger at the Sue. "Like any reader/author knows, the people who write Mary-Sue fandom are prone to getting bad reviews. They are accurate, but I'm sure the writer doesn't appreciate it. In fact, it hurts them inside."

The 'daughter' slowly stood up with a hand covering her eyes. Nemmie's disgusted scowl deepened when she realized she couldn't even see her opponent. _But that will change_… "You've forgotten, too. Integra! No matter how many horrible things anyone tells me, it will never stop my fun. You and your organization are mine. This whole story is controlled by me! I will never let a few pesky grammar Nazis ruin this for me. My story, MY rules!" This launched her into another fit of giggles.

"…I guess I have. The last rule of fandom. Mary-Sue writers usually ignore advice no matter how badly they need it…" The director sighed deeply.

"And as my story goes on, mum, yours does not. Alucard, I want her dead, and I want it done slowly."

"Yes, my master."

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Oh! A cliffhanger! Another one!

I'm really losing track of my writing, I'm so lazy at it. I finished this one just in time. I'll try to get the last (or will it be 'pre' last?) chapter up soon as well. You like my 'Family Guy' referances? I know you caught them all, didn't you?


	10. The Sue That Binds Us

I am so sorry, I haven't updated in… THREE WEEKS! That sucks… Well, I hope it was worth it for you, for this is the FINAL CHAPTER! Have fun

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The vampire swooped forward towards the ever ready director. The remaining troops of both sides mutually decided it was best for everyone if they started kicking the crap out of each other at that moment. Nemmie moved to the back of the room and decided to wait for her eyesight to return. Just the mention of the ignored reviews surged through reality and reversed Integra's attempt to destroy The Sue. Ignoring problems really did make them go away when your existence alone is... surreal.

Alucard endured the silver bullets piercing his ice cold skin as he skillfully marched on in the direction of his former master. She, in turn, shrank back away in spite of herself. All of a sudden, the count swung forth and grabbed her by the collar of her shirt as she continued to shoot him in the head. After all, it was moments before the gun ran out of ammo.

"Sir Integral!" Seras dashed towards her leader desperately. Unfortunately, one of Anderson's bayonets shot out of nowhere into her shoulder and she staggered to a stop. The priest rose up behind her, blades drawn, grinning like the lunatic he is.

Integra struggled to get out of her former servant's strong grip and noticed something.._odd_. She stopped and gazed at him. "Your eyes are purple…"

The vampire growled menacingly. Out of the blue, a smirk rose on the director's face and she freed her right hand. Just as Alucard readied his Jackal in attempt to kill her, Integra lunged forward and grabbed at his eyes. The glasses fell to the floor as the Hellsing ripped out one of the count's eyes, flipped it around, and forced it back in its socket. Integral smiled evilly.

It was the color of blood.

Integral hit the tiled floor hard, staring at the red-clad figure in front of her. The great Alucard clutched at his bloodied eyes while shouting several unnamed obscenities.

"What have you done with my servant!" A cry rose up from the midst of the crowd. The director only smiled in response and Walter slid from his spot to stand before her.

"Alucard will never belong to you no matter what you are or do."

"Yes, he--"

Without warning, an inhuman growl sounded clear for all to hear. "What have you done to me!" The count no longer covered his face. Both his eyes were shot with fury, his purple and red one. "This was strange at first, but now it's ridiculous! Nobody can control me like that…" Alucard misted over to stand between Integra and Nemandaria, pointing a gun at each. "This will not end well for either of you…"

Although the true Hellsing of the bunch scowled in concentration, Nemmie just smiled and waved her arm around. Her angelic features glowed in the lamp-light and her perfectly done and not bloodied whatsoever hair hung around her perfect shoulders in perfect little layers. "Shoot me, servant, I dare you. Shoot us both. Let us see who survives this time." And with that, she giggled and clutched the philosopher's stone on her neck. It glowed a crimson light that began floating towards the vampire.

"Never again, human. You will never be able to take control of me, never again!" Alucard showed no hesitation in blasting the stone into countless tiny shards that spread out across all the lands for demons and humans alike to find and waste them on petty selfish desires. Sounds familiar.

"Master! Your eyes! They shine red again!" Seras jumped for joy as high as she could with a bayonet stuck in her spine. The rest of the mindless zombies in the room froze in shock.

You've done nothing! The stone was an add-on, a cheat code! I am still a Sue, and I still have powers!" Nemmie yelled from her position in the center of the office. "I still have my ungodly strength!"

Seras had a second to glance up as the hysterical Sue launched at her with an extremely large broad sword in her hand. Unfortunately, that alone did nothing to prevent that sword from running itself through her chest. Nemandaria jumped back, panting, to look upon her misdemeanor. It was very dramatic, that moment the vampirina softly fell down onto the floor with a soft thud. Some of the readers wept, and all the emos cut themselves. There was angst a-plenty.

"Seras! NNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Pip cried out, his eyes changing to normal as he sprinted towards the fallen girl and knelt by her side. "Don't die…again….I… I love you!"

"I never thought I would get a chance to say this to anybody ever again, but…"

"But what….?"

"I love you too!"

It was such a fluffy moment you could roast it on top of a campfire and stick it between two gram crackers along with some chocolate. Integral just frowned and looked away. "Isn't this a cliché… Walter?"

The butler in question nodded and with the speed of light, tied up The Sue with his wires.

"Now," said Integra. "Behind that perfect girl's face is the face of the writer. I'm sure if we expose her, everything will be back to normal. Sort of. Captain? The honors?"

"I sure hope this idea of yours, _si_r, will actually work this time." Muttered Seras and Integra glared at her.

As Pip clambered over to the stand angrily at Nemmie's side, Alucard pointed both his guns at her, just in case. Bernadotte determinedly approached the Sue, first locating a slit of loose skin on her neck and then peeling off her face. The dismembered skin hung from his clenched fist like a discarded and overused rag. The occupants of the room stared not at it, but at the sight that skin was covering seconds before.

The director was at a loss of words. "Nemandaria is…"

"A guy?" offered Alucard complacently.

"Uh… that can't be. There are no male Mary Sue writers on FanFiction. Or is there…?"

The face was very much male, with a grisly red beard and curly hair. His eyes stared wildly about him, taking in all the carnage and distress.

"That can't be the writer. That's Chuck Norris." Spat out Seras, still bleeding on the tiles a few feet away. Everybody gaped at the Sue with frightened expressions.

Walter flinched. "Dear lord, this is a travesty on all that is Chuck! Pull it off, oh god, pull it off!"

Pip shrugged and peeled that mask off as well. Piercing blue eyes stared back at the audience. Long blonde hair fell to her waist in a single thick plait. The face looked in her mid to late twenties, and handsome rather than beautiful. There was a rawboned harshness to her face that contrasted strongly with her deep blue eyes and generous mouth. The crew gazed at the face, bewildered. Alucard coughed quietly. "Am I out of the loop, because I have no idea who that is?"

Walter looked around him at the other occupants of the office and then at his former war partner. "Actually, I don't think any of us do."

"Bloody hell, I think I do." The true Hellsing looked upon the Sue in recognition. "But it can't be. Captain Isobel Fisher of the Haven City Guard is too tremendously awesome to be the writer."

At that moment, Fisher smiled a cold, practiced grin and Seras spent no excess time in making an out o place remark. "She should use moisturizer."

Fisher and Integral glared at her. "Captain Bernadotte, the mask…"

"Right…" The Captain started pulling off that mask and the director sighed. The mask gave way under Pip's hand and soon the true mug of the villain behind the villain revealed itself.

"OH GODS!" The soldiers broke out of their frozen trance and immediately covered their eyes, not daring to look further. Many of the occupants of the room began to screech in horrible, shrill, inhuman voices. The more important characters stepped back and reached for their weapons. The Chuck Norris mask, still in Pip's hand, looked disgusted.

"That's just not right."

The Isobel Fisher mask tried it's best to look unimpressed. "I've seen worse, back in my day."

The resident Dracula looked almost as disgusted as any of the others, even though he himself is pretty much a corpse. He took notice of the soldier's reaction and smiled proudly at his Master. _The sight of her broke the curse on the men. Well done, my master…_

Minerva glared around her at the havoc in the office. Her many moles glared at the world from her nose and uni-brow. The fat on her nonexistent neck rippled and traveled through her body like a tidal wave of destruction. The Sue's perfectly formed body jerked and expanding as the fat reached it, growing with lard and excess deposits. Her butt grew to four times normal and Minerva was forced to crash onto the ground into a sitting position. She was now wearing tight fitting piggy pants and a stretched-to-the-point-of-no-return sweatshirt. The cast looked down on her with sickened eyes. "I was beautiful. I had it all…" She muttered with force. "I could have had the world if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your stupid dog!"

Scooby Doo smiled and howled his trademark name. The director closed her eyes and grinned. "You don't belong _here_, but I think I know a place you'll feel right at home in. I know a place where you can be_ useful_." Her grin widened and Seras rose to her feet. The wound slowly knitted itself together as the Sue's magic faded from the world along with her shapely body.

"Should I be scared now?" The kitten mewed.

Integra glanced at the plump_ girl _on the floor. Several of the tiles under her groaned and cracked under her hippo weight. "Walter, get the crane, let's move her out of here." Walter nodded and walked out the door. "Oh, and the two annoying priests, I want them out of…" A second look around revealed the absence of the aforementioned persons. "I guess they already left. Good. The shame of being under a fan girl's control was too much, I suppose. Makes me happy I was born a girl."

Edward, in the corner, gaped at the Hellsing. "You're… _female_?"

Integral shut her eyes and sighed deeply. Walter had returned and she beckoned to him. "Tell them to meet me in the backyard after they have picked up this… _monstrosity_. Everybody else that serves no importance what's so ever, you're dismissed. But anyone who feels slightly curious, follow me to the back yard grounds." _It feels good to be giving orders again._ Half the soldiers piled out of the room and eventually only she, Alucard, Pip, Seras, and Minerva were left. The Elrics had said goodbye and were off as suddenly as they'd come in the first place. Finally, everything seemed to come together and back to normal. The tension and feeling of dread dissipated from the air and everyone breathed easier. Well, everyone but Minerva. She was too busy wondering what Integra had planned for her.

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Half an hour later, the crew stood in the forest in the backyard. They circled an old, rusty, feudal well. Minerva dangled above their heads, held securely in a orca net hanging from a thirty foot metal crane. She was slowly being hoisted into the darkness below ground. If the girl wasn't gagged, she would have been screaming her fat incrusted lungs out. Seras stared at the scene with a sickened feel. "This looks a bit crude, don't you think? To be left to die in a well would make anyone claustrophobic, and it seems like cruel and unusual punishment no matter the crime. Why?"

Integra looked unconcerned. "I agree this method seems unconventional, but trust me, this will be paradise to her."

"How so?" Inquired her servant.

"If I'm correct, Minerva (or what ever her name is) here will be able to transform back into the Sue once she reaches the bottom of the well. We aren't affected by her magic anymore because we figured out her powers and un masked her literally here in our world. Just like a fan fiction, the readers realize who the author is and start avoiding all there pitiful attempts to write more obscenities. Problem solved."

Walter looked unsure. "Did you say, our world? The bottom of that well doesn't _lead _anywhere, does it?"

The director smiled sardonically and the count next to her grinned knowingly. "You know what, I don't think I even want to know why you have this well here, _Otaku_."

"Too much money and nothing to do with it. But that was then, this is now. The series started to suck after the first fifteen or so episodes and around the tenth chapter of the manga. InuYasha will never know what hit him." The pair chuckled quietly together as the others stepped back a pace not wanting to join in to the companion's shared blood thirst. They let the two laugh it out together as Minerva's big nose disappeared into the darkness.

_And just like that, a great evil seeped into the Far East country of Japan. And evil so great that InuYasha's great mind couldn't figure out the simple curse and he and his friends were overrun with madness, effectively ending their adventures much to the public's content. Happiness and Joy spread our because of that one great evil, and as ironic as that was, everybody seemed to accept it. InuYasha only hindered mankind's progress. That peace and togetherness lasted for many years and eventually cured world hunger, pollution, and all the wars on earth. _

Somewhere in England several years after the defeat of the Sue, Integral sat in her favorite lounging chair in the library, sipping her wine. "I guess it all turned out well after all."

The shadows stirred behind her and a red clad figure rose up to full height. "Yes, I guess it has."

_Fin_

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For all of you who thought Isobel Fisher was an original character, and dare I say it, a _Mary-Sue_ of mine, shame on you. Go read Blue Moon Rising or Swords of Haven by Simon R. Green or something. hint hint

Yes, that is all; maybe I'll right a sequel someday. Or a prequel. Or something. But now you see my reason for writing this story, to criticize a couple ideas. For all you who write Mary-Sues about long lost Integra relatives, or pupils of Alucard, go to fiction press or something and make an original story. Don't drag good characters under. All that does is get people mad at you. Kind of like me… Every other fic on here I see is one featuring an original character.

Well, I should probably stop ranting now, feel free to review. No, don't just feel it, do it. Remember, negative comments are accepted and loved as well; I want to know what everybody felt for my first Hellsing fiction. Maybe I'll write a serious one soon. Thanks for being such a great audience. Have fun!

Oh, wait, I almost forgot. I would like to recognize a certain reader that gave me support when I had writers block and didn't feel like writing. She gave me a reason to. There is nothing more that warms the heart than the thought of someone stalking your story and reading each new chapter once it comes out, let alone reviewing every single one. Thank You **CyhScaevola,** it means a lot to me.

Oh! And another one! One of my best friends, **Cynthia**, I'm touched as well with you. Even though you're not a fan of Hellsing, you've given me many ideas and supported this story. Thanks for all your help! Thank you for the support!

Until next time,

_GryphonWonder14 _


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